Previously Unpublished

Since I got the day off for Columbus Day, I sort of lounged around for awhile and read a chapter of my trial advocacy book and then I went to pick up Ticket for lunch. She suggested a shopping center with lots of options, and we ultimately decided on a well known and franchised, local eatery. I have never been there before, but was very happy with the results and we were having a great lunch time date. It is nice to do those sorts of things every once in awhile when you have the chance. I even brought her flowers to show off at the office.

Well anyway, we’re halfway through a lunch of BBQ chicken, salad, and breadsticks when lo and behold, along comes a yellow jacket; and it was aggressive. As far as I know, I’m not allergic to bees, wasps, etcetera, so they have never really been a worry for me though I am not often confronted with their presence; well, except for the time they built a whole colony in my parent’s backyard when we were on vacation, but I digress. I tried shooing away the pollen-seeking bastard, but he was not deterred, and I think that I was actually agitating him (I have heard they get pissed when you upset them, but somehow I guess I thought it wasn’t true having never really been in the situation myself.)

He started sort of dive-bombing at Ticket and she jumped up from her seat. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do, but I had a bread stick in hand (they’re about 10 inches long and pretty thick - think porn star), but my strikes were proving futile. Finally, he lands on a piece of chicken that had fallen off of Ticket’s plate and I saw my opportunity. He looked at me, I looked at him, and bang, bang, he was dead. I got a direct hit with the bread stick and he turned up in a very appropriate, coiled up fetal-dead posture on his back surrounded by red BBQ sauce and the remnants of garlic salt.

We hid the wadded up napkin-coffin and the murder weapon between the salad bowl and the leftover chicken plate and finished our lunch. It was a nice day outside. I took Ticket back to the office and went home to have toast and honey. I don’t just take out my enemies; I mock them (yeah, I know bees make honey, but I’m sure those damn wasps still got the message.)

-jd

Recently, I was reading one of my favorite blogs that was recommending a twisted new book called The Dead Beat by Marilyn Johnson. It is about the lives of people who obsess over the obituraries and much like the author of the post, I found it almost comforting to know that there are people out there with such a quirky pastime. So this morning I was looking up the book on Amazon, just to see whether I could get it used at a cheap price. Instead of the usual portal to the book search engine, there was a notice to visitors of the Amazon site introducing their new online grocery store.

Well, there are certain items in recent years that I’ve become fond of, but that have disappeared from the local physical stores in my area. Well, I’m just passively listening in class after staying up half the night to finish our mini-term paper, so I decide to peruse the virtual aisles of the friendly neighborhood Amazon grocery. And lo and behold, this little miracle store built out of the ether of the net has my large pearl couscous. Not only that, it is much cheaper buying it through Amazon in bulk than it was when I bought it one or two at a time in person. Like half price, actually.

Needless to say, I once again gave thanks to the powers that be which hurtle us along towards an integrated and globalized world. Now, when it comes to civil liberties, I’m all for supporting the rights of the “little guy.” However, I tend to be economically conservative and very pro free trade, especially when it delivers hard-to-get goods to my neck of the woods. Couscous is not a standard staple in my area of the map, but I could use it on a daily basis just as people use rice, noodles, or potatoes. Large couscous is a different and wonderfully-textured animal from the little crumb-like stuff most people imagine, if they know what couscous is at all. Thankfully, the net is making it possible to grab the best of every region in an accessible and cheap manner that was not possible even five years ago. Now, I just need to find a bonafide source of quality marzipan.

-jd

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned the Waiter Rant blog before (now added as a link, to the left). Just in case I haven’t, I’ll mention it now. It takes place at an anonymous bistro and is written by an anonymous waiter who spills his philosophies and observations on life, in the context of the restaurant business, out onto the pages of his blog. He updates very regularly and has become quite popular recently, about the time I first came across the site myself. Anyway, given my recent and feeble musings about DVDs and relationships earlier, I thought I’d link to this post about couples and dating. The waiter takes my exact stance on the paying dilemma which is just one of the many variables that might take down a promising couple, as noted in all the waiter’s venerable wisdom. His most recent post on the Ball of Fire is pretty cool too since, on this Earth Day, I think we forget that we probably would be screwed without the sun.

-jd

I don’t know why I’m into Earth Day this year, but why not? Gaia baby, Gaia.

I think during finals, this blog is going to have a lot of posts that are basically my opinion on something interesting or in the news. But hey, who doesn’t want to hear my opinions on the state of the world. While the articles might be out there for anyone to find, my opinions are all previously unpublished (Usually.) As an added bonus to those reading from the world of legalese and the law, most of these will likely have little to do with anything legal. Unless it’s making fun of something having to do with finals or that was in my readings that I didn’t see because I skipped that chapter the first time around.

Leading off: fainting goats. This clip is just really funny for some reason. Man, we’d be screwed if we had that gene that made us stiff up like that anytime outside of select and intimate settings. Imagine law students walking into finals and half of them just tip over, unable to move at the sight of the exams stacked up next to the proctor.

-jd

Nothing to do with law school whatsoever, but I thought I’d put out my three favorite lines from this week’s Weekend Update on SNL. It’s basically the only part of the show I tune in for anymore. Fortunately, they usually always do it at 10 past 12, so it’s pretty easy to time. Even this segment, I have to admit, drags sometimes even when I do believe in their political commentary. However, there are always at least 1 or 2 laugh-out-loud moments that are worth it if I’m around to watch. Anyway, without further adieu, I thought these were hysterical, though it might have been in the delivery:

1. In discussing a group of Orthodox Jewish hackers who inserted pictures of an old, grisly-bearded Jewish rabbi in place of graphic images on porn sites, Tina said that despite turning off millions of porn-seekers, “you know there’s one guy out there who’s like: jackpot!”

2. One of the other cast members came out and played some dude from American Idol as a Weekend Update guest. He preempts a question by saying that, yes, his drapes match his grey-haired curtains. To clarify by referencing Einstein, he notes that his, “pubes looks like a geniuses’ bad haircut.”

3. Tina relates the story of 64 out of 500 girls getting pregnant at a high school in Canton, Ohio. She then says that she’s promoting a controversial new book that she thinks will help, it’s called, “Your Mouth Can’t Get Pregnant.”

Well, I thought they were funny. My outline didn’t laugh, but she’s sort of prudish.

-jd

I’m procrastinating from doing my law outlines, on nytimes.com, when I come across this article entitled “Why Stars Name Babies Moxie, Moses and Apple.” The names in that title are not the most outlandish of the names showcased within, not by a long-shot. Try Pilot Inspektor and Moxie CrimeFighter, the names given to the progeny of Jason Lee and Penn Jillette, respectively. Here is an excerpt of Penn’s reasoning: “Everyone I know with an unusual name loves it,” he wrote. “It’s only the losers named Dave that think having an unusual name is bad, and who cares what they think. They’re named Dave.”

Now, I find this semi-compelling, but it would take magic on the level of the fictional character of Merlin to actually convince me to name my kid Moxie or Pilot Inspektor. See, I think I have a fairly original name. Or at least it was pretty unique until that fat bastard who does commercials for a well-known sandwich shop line came around. So I buy the idea of having a name that stands out, to a point. In fact, I used to think that I would need a really level-headed wife to help save my future kids from having a crazy name thanks to dear old dad. Fancying myself a writer, whenever I found myself in those moments of tenderness where couples - even ones not destined to be together forever - muse about their future kids’ names, I would often come up with things like Yolande or Jyllyn or Anastasia. (Landy, Jilly, or Annie.) I’m a bit more traditional with boys and often default to family names like Robert, though I think letting the long-forgotten name of Champion rest, is for the best…maybe.

Anyway, the point is, I’ve learned that that is what my fiction writing is for. I was trying to get super creative because I was thinking about the kids in a way writers think about trying to make a memorable character. However, in real life there has to be a balance. Dave can be the most unique name in the world when referring to your son Dave. Obviously as an aspiring lawyer, names like Atticus and Justice are compelling for a second, but are best left in books and myths. Maybe the actors should just temper their inclinations with a ghost-written exposition destined to make the best-seller lists for a week before dying. Oh well, anyway, I’ve actually changed a lot since college to think I’m arguing against have ultra unique names.

I guess the law makes you a realist, well at least a little bit. But then, it’s not hard to argue against Pilot Inspektor, as much as I think Jason Lee does fine work in front of the camera. Also, Audio Science and Moon Unit? (Other charming names chosen by stars in the past…though I’m sure there are some modern-day commune-dwellers out there who get less publicity, but have even wilder names lined up years in advance for their offspring.)

-jd

Now, no one come back to me with a copy of this post in five years when I have little Guinness and little Hypnotiq crawling around my feet…clearly it will be my wife’s fault.

Actually it is a big miracle, but that designation is pending until morning when the final verdict will be returned. I found this awesome stain remover today and at the risk of sounding spam-ish, had to blog about it because I still can’t believe it. Also, this post gives a small insight to the male law student’s mind when it comes to cleaning.

I’ve been meaning to do a serious spring cleaning for a long time now and over the weekend, thanks to my wonderful parents paying for my car registration this year, I have a little extra in the budget to maybe get a cheap vacuum cleaner and a nicer mop and just put a little more effort into keeping the old apartment in order. I mean being in law school can be something of an excuse not to put a lot of effort into keeping a place in glove-inspection shape; and being a guy can be a bigger excuse. However, even though I’m not a super neat-freak, it is clear that stains on the carpet should be taken care of and the floor should probably be mopped once a week, etc.

Plus, girls usually like a place to be semi-respectable when they come over. A clean bathroom, floor, kitchen makes them more inclined to stay longer; I’ve found anyway. And hey, in law school, you don’t have time to screw things up with the girls, even your friends. So this brings me to my point and my enthusiasm for Folex Instant Carpet Spot Remover. There are some unsightly spots on our carpet, I would imagine from spills that seemed to be cleaned up, but not really since we don’t have any serious cleaning products. Then, over time, the parts of the stain that didn’t actually come up attracted dirt particles and pretty soon two weeks later, you have an ugly spot.

Well, I did some research online while also trying to find a cheap, but effective vacuum (I refuse to pay over $100 at this point in my life for a cleaning device. That’s probably 2-3 dates or 4-5 nights out with friends. Of course, as I alluded to above, the place does need to be clean once people come back. So where before I used a broom or else masking tape, or a small hand unit on the rug, now I need more). I didn’t come across anything conclusive. I happened to be in Target over the weekend and saw this product. It was in a plain bottle, looked almost like some chemist came up with it and wanted the most utilitarian canister to distribute. I thought that made it seem more effective over the double canister contraption next to it (clearly trying to hide that it was lacking effectiveness).

And well, to make this long story shorter, I came home and tried it on a spot in my room and the thing really did just disappear on contact with the spray. It was like the movie Envy which was pretty much crap, but was about a product that made dog shit disappear on contact. I’m still looking at the spot as I write waiting for the stain to appear again, or for the rug to start decomposing as well. I half expect there to be a white circle there in the morning. But until then, I’m so blown away, I thought I’d write this review giving free advertising to this great product. (Read: Folex, please send me more of this stuff for free and I’ll keep writing!)

-jd

Sarah Jessica Parker. I’ve always liked her voice. There is just something about it - alluring. Clearly it is not just me since my understanding and limited viewing experience of “Sex in the City” is that it was a lot of SJP over dubbing scenes with her voice. So at least a couple other people thought it was hypnotic as well.

Well, I just realized another possible explanation as to why I like her voice so much. It is directly tied to the way she talks: stream of consciousness. Just like I do. She just told the longest story on Conan and it was full of tangents that she just had to get in. It seemed like every detail that crossed her mind’s eye was incorporated into her narrative. I thought it was cool, I think Conan got a little bored, or had to keep it moving, or something.

She’s dreamy. I’m vain.

-jd

Matthew McConaughey is the sexiest man alive? Really?

Drew just slung her “boob” over her shoulder and made quite the graceful exit from a cameo on SNL’s Weekend Update of which I was forwarded a clip this morning. It was awesome. I have never seen someone sling their tits as it were or make such an audacious stage left (not dirty, but rather a very nuanced Beaches reference-yes ladies, I’m smart, handsome and sensitive).

To explain, they were making fun of her breasts’ appearance at the Golden Globes and she came on stage with an outfit sporting what could only be some beyond-alphabetical or larger fake breasts. Anyway, I still find SNL to be out-there funny sometimes. I understand others don’t get it or find it funny anymore and I’ll admit that a lot of stuff is pretty lame (Bear Country?). However, I just assume that they’re all doing this stuff as personal inside jokes, or at least that’s how it feels. So I just pretend I’m in on the jokes. Also forwarded from apparently the same night: the Chuck Norris tribute song and the incomparable Darrell Hammond.

-jd

And the dessert cart rolled on.

Copacabana. Beach, that is.

Man, it would be a trip to be in Rio for this free concert courtesy of the Stones! Just reading about it is exciting. I think possibly Brazil is my new number one destination. I mean there are a lot of places I’d like to visit still, or even re-visit, but this place is just so vibrant. I want to be there while I’m still young, before the toils of a law career have drained the life out of me. Perhaps my ideal firm would host trips to Latin America!

I think what I mean is that in my later years, I’ll be just as fine sailing in Sydney’s harbor, touring the Great Wall, or even going on safari in Africa. But certain things, I believe, need to be experienced in your youth. Like 20-something youth, since I do understand that you’re still young in your 30’s and 40’s now a-days. You’re just less likely to stay up all night enjoying sambas and mojitos and the exotic sights of a city built along a perfect half-moon beach (See: pictures to the right under the link for “City I Will Live in When I’m a Famous Writer”).

Other than that, I’ve learned a lot about viewpoint discrimination in the past few days. Hopefully enough to convince the judges in the moot court competition next week that I know something.

-jd